Let's face it -

I'm fat.
This is not a post asking for comments disagreeing with me to pad my ego. I know that I'm overweight. It's just been weird this week. I'm putting on weight since I went off atkins. That's a little crazy considering I have been eating under 2000 kcalories and running 3-4 times each week (also back to 6 miles on saturdays). I mean seriously, is this how its going to be for the rest of my life? I'm going to try and lose the same 10lbs over and over again? The really sad thing is that they aren't even the last 10 that I need to lose. I still have another 13-15 to go to just be in the 'healthy' range. We aren't talking svelte yet. Hell, I'm not even asking for svelte. I picked 5lbs under the maximum I can be for my height as my goal.
Last monday, Gilbert took a picture of the group and it appears that I am the largest of the women in there. That's fine. I don't mind. Yes I do. It's frustrating to see new people come in and become faster than me. That's okay I'm getting stronger too. Then cedar kicks in. Then exams kick in. There's always something, isn't there? I'm not making excuses. I work really hard at running. I am not very good at it but I am diligent. Being slow isn't a result of laziness, it is a result of body type. These aren't running hips, they are child-birthing (as Amanda calls them) hips.
So back to my original point, this week has been tough. I'm putting weight back on but I am faster than I've been in a long time. We did 400m this wednesday and I kept them under 2:15 each time. We did eight of them. So I'm back to the speed I was at before finals last semester (my strongest). So what's the problem? Well the girls I run with ran them really strong and fast
(under 2 mins each). These are girls I was just beginning to keep up with before finals/cedar season. I just want to be able to run along with them and it looks like that isn't going to be happening. But that's okay, I run for myself. I need to keep reminding myself that. I run for my weight, for my strength and for my mind. I run for myself. This is going to be tough to remember.