Do Not Want

I almost don't want to talk about this but I must. Please forgive me if I offend you.

I just don't want it.

I don't want to get my degree, have a kid and then do something else. I don't want to have kids, decide academia isn't for me and stay at home. Then write a blog about my kids or about gardening or food or knitting.

I want to be a researcher (well be good at it). I want to be proud of my accomplishments independent from those of my children.

Note: I do reserve the right to change my mind as the situation demands.

JELJAB!!

I've been struggling on my long runs ever since I got back to running in April. Last week changed all that. I took the first two miles really slow and that may have done the trick. Or not restricting my calories (carbs more specifically) may have done the trick. Or drinking accelerade before the run may have done the trick. Or not drinking coffee before the run may have done the trick. Or drinking electrolytes during the entire week leading up to the run may have done the trick.

Anyway, finally kept up with EELBA (w/o one E, erin but with two extra Js, Jessica V and Jessica C).

Let's see how this saturday fares, we plan to do the lopsided lolli (since there is a turnaround that looks like a circle). That's 9.8 miles with a middle with serious hills. I plan to sing 'lollipop' in all its misogynistic glory.

she says he's so sweet....

Well that was fun

Let's never do that again.

We ran a 4 mile run on wednesday with the last two miles paced.

It started out great. I kept a pace of under 10mins/mile for the first two miles and I wasn't even pushing it. I tried to take it slow to keep from overheating in the afternoon. With close to 100 degrees, I thought I was doing well. Then during the third mile, I started to struggle a bit. Walked, felt a little pucky and then ran some. Mile 4 created more nausea but also added chills. A little unusual and alarming.
When I got back Allison was nice enough to get me some water and coach didn't let me run the cool down mile.
I went to his truck to get some accelerade and managed to spill it all over my shirt. It wasn't exactly dissolved in the water and looked like I had thrown up all over myself. Yikes, I left. I went home, showered and wallowed in self-pity for the rest of the evening. This could/would have been the best tempo ever. Stupid texas summers.


Note:
self-pity entails me yelling 'my life sucks' intermittently through the night.

Currently craving

To not have to cook dinner everyday.

Note on currently craving

The 'currently craving' posts do not include any of the PMS cravings. I've been monitoring those and it seems like it is always something sweet and soft like Quack's strawberry oat bars (effing awesome!) and the newly discovered carmelita bars at Whole Foods. The interesting thing is that it never involves chocolate and the carmelitas have chocolate chips which kind of ruins them.

I tend to crave things a lot and they tend to strange, specific items like salmon sashimi or the potatoes from tacodeli. But I'm discovering that the cravings right before my period always involve sugar in a soft chewy form like caramels or fudge or local cinnamon buns (think cinnamon sugar dusted croissants).

dee-lie-ma update

Her royal laziness returned the pants and hopes to find a similar pair that are as cheap and cute. At the rate she is going, the ETA is 2012.

Cheers!

Conundrum

I bought a pair of shorts at target. For $7. Ya for me.

They are a size 13. I am not a size 13 but my thighs are. So while I fit into the smaller sizes, I like the way these look around my widest part (my thighs).

But here's the problem, as I mentioned, I am not a size 13. I worked really hard not to be a size 13 (actually 14) anymore but really I don't know if I care, it's just a number. But these shorts don't sit on my hips, they slip off. I could spend a little more money and get them altered to fit my hips. Or I could return them and hope to find something in my size in the same colours (did I mention they are tan, green and blue? Cute.)

So help me with my dilemma (or like Chitu likes to call the frivolous ones, dee-lie-ma), should I return the shorts or alter them?

Mama's day or the weekend of two runs

Elizabeth and I ran two shorter long runs this weekend. We ran 6 miles on saturday and decided to keep Jessica company as she ran her 6 miles on sunday.

First of all, this is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!! I can't believe we did that. This time last year, just the one run would have been an accomplishment. It's amazing that we ran two of those in succession.

I had been dealing with a strange backache that appeared out of nowhere on thursday. After not moving for two days, I knew that warming the muscles up would help. I did make a pact with myself to stop if it didn't feel good and turn around no matter what. I considered not going on saturday and sunday but I'm so glad I went because today I woke up feeling fine.

Saturday was disgusting: humid, overcast and warm. The run was slow and uncomfortable. The highlight of the run was the family of swans on the lake, complete with five fuzzy cygnets (or as Leslie called them 'ugly ducklings'). Perfect for mother's day weekend.

Sunday was beautiful: cool, sunny and dry. We ran the eastside trail again but slightly altered so that we didn't have to deal with the road at all. We got to see the swans again, on mother's day no less! That made the two mom's day. This was the kind of run that reminds you why you love your city and running with the people you chose to run with.

I came home, called my mom who then proceeded to scold me about not 'making babies' :)

Currently Craving

Red meat but more specifically, steak; charred and salty. With onions involved somehow.

Those skinny jeans

(Ha! I typed the title as skinny cheese by mistake (lunch time).)

Funny thing about those skinny jeans, they don't always work out the way you would want to.

Four years ago, when I weighed around what I do right now I bought three pairs of khakis from jcrew. When I put on weight (again), these became my 'skinny jeans'. These are the pants I decided to fit back into as a pre-goal on my way to my final goal weight.

I've finally gotten to the point that I can start to wear them again. Funny story though, I don't like them anymore. No, I can't stand them anymore. One of them has no pockets in the back (remember when all the pants had that no back pocket thing going?). The other one is fitted around my thighs but wide-legged around my calves. And I haven't even looked at the third one yet.

So, I think I'm going to get rid of these pants and just find clothes that fit me right now.

Speaking of finding things that fit, let's take a letter:

Re: Vanity sizing

Dear Old Navy,
why change your sizing so that now a medium is now a large? I come into the store and nothing in my old sizes fits anymore (not that it did to begin with but I knew that I needed to try EVERYTHING before I bought it). I know I'm not a size small in anything (thanks boobies!!). To someone trying to lose weight, this is just cruel.

kthxbai,
Me

Birthday present

This is part I of Sandeep's birthday present. It's grainy but so worth it.

It's also the alcohol

Two weekends ago, a friend had a birthday party. A beer brewing, 16-yr old laguvilin (scotch) sharing friend. We got home feeling toasty and very much loved. The following monday, I noticed the scale was registering a heavier weight for me. I figured that would even itself out over the week and didn't think too much of it. Then on friday, we met some friends at the new neighbourhood watering hole. Didn't get drunk or even tipsy, didn't eat whataburger after (like we usually do) but again, the weighing scale registered a heavier number the following day.

I think, anything that messes with my cellular water content (i.e. water retention) messes with my weight. Salt, alcohol, humidity, gravity etc. Ever since I went off the pill, eating badly once or twice hasn't been as fatal as it used to be. This leads me to think that alcohol is particularly insidious because that 'weight gain' seems to last longer (it took almost all week to get it down to baseline).

So, for the next month, I'm going off alcohol. Completely (no let me taste your drink, no just a sip). Perhaps, once that is done, I can fiddle around with the kind and quantity of alcohol to figure out if these two factors make a difference.

Updates to follow.

Currently Craving

Eggplant.
Avocado.

I want the eggplant in a stewed, soft state and the avocado in a raw sliced state.
So I'm thinking, eggplant cooked indian style w/ broadbeans and potatoes (always craving potatoes) sometime this week maybe on friday.
And, and, and, a sliced avocado sandwich w/ just salt and pepper.

mmm....

Someday

One of these days I'm going to keep up with the fast girls (EEL (Erin, Elizabeth, Leslie), as Jessica calls them). Now we can add Barb and Allison to that (EELBA?)

That'll be a good day.

Weight-loss changes

So some of the questions I got from the post about my lack of weight-loss were the following:

- do my clothes fit differently
- do I drink soda
- what about diet drinks
- what about processed foods

So, my clothes are fitting differently but not enough to make be feel better about the slow weightloss. I don't drink any soda on a regular basis, maybe once every two-three weeks. But if I do drink it, it tends to be diet soda. My intake of processed foods is also minimal. I tend not to like the taste of refined flour so there isn't too much white flour in my diet. I do, however, eat lean cuisines very regularly for lunch. Dinner is almost always homemade as are snacks. I hate those 100 cal snack packs, if I want ant snacks, I'll go raid an anthill.

On a side note, the hummus from the farmer's market is in itself worth the trip downtown. I tend to eat it plain, on bread or with veggies. But then the boy gets pita chips in the house and I come home to find that he took care of the 'hummus problem'.

On a side side note, the alternative bread from central market has quinoa, amaranth and some flax and it worth the extra buck you have to spend on it (compared to the other breads they have). Expensive, but so good if you're feeling splurge-y.

Okay, back to the topic. I've cut out splenda, aiming for 14 cups of water and I am also limiting my salt intake. I drink a cup of coffee and a cup of tea a day and each one gets a teaspoon of sugar. No more added sugar to anything else in my meals (so fruits are fine, ya).

Surprisingly, I am getting in 14 cups of water a day without too much of a problem. The sugar limit is also not an issue.
BUT:
Do you know you should keep sodium down to 2300 mg/day? Do you know how much sodium a single teaspoon of salt has? 2300 mg. Do you know the culture I come from (I think most of the western part of India does this) actually gives you salt on the side to eat raw with your food. Take a bite of the rice and dal, then a bite of a green chili dipped into salt. mmm.
Yesterday was the first day I even managed to get my sodium to under 2500 mg.

Well I never...

this one made me blush (I ran into it off a blog while I was looking for nutrition information on pan fried noodles):

This really shouldn't be this difficult

It's even difficult trying to write about this. I've lost a grand total of four pounds in the past two months of working out on the average 5-6 times a week (two of which were weight training). In the past week (after the in-laws had gone) I regained two of those pounds and it won't budge.

I know, I've gained muscle weight. I know its impossible to gain two pounds in a week and its something else like water. But right now, I'm at a loss. I've cut out splenda and am going to increase my water intake to about 14 cups. Let's see if this helps.

I don't know if I can even drink 14 cups of water. 10-12 is difficult as it is.

Belly Flops

She's in the ladies bathroom at the gym folding her sleeves up while she gets ready to go get her workout. I walk in and get the look. You know the one where she looks me up and down to decide whether I look like I should be there or not. If I look 'fit' enough to look so satisfied about getting my sweat on. Or if I look too big to be so proud of myself. I do a mental check to see what I'm wearing. I'm glad I have my Fila relays shirt on (even though it doesn't say so on the front, only on the back).
Is this why I want to wear my race shirts to the gym? So that I look like I belong? So that the big girl can stay even though her belly seems to move independently of the rest of her body?

Too bad the 3M shirt is full sleeved, I can't wear it during my workout.

It is definitely the sugar

I think I write this blog more for me than anyone else. It's a place where I can write stuff down that I don't want to forget. Its finally paid off. Around december I wrote about how I think sugar makes me crazy. Well last week I had some run ins with Jam that made me eat like I was training for a marathon. So today I ate some sugar but keeping in mind what I was doing. I ate some cottage cheese with jam and then a hard candy. Its around three in the afternoon right now and I've spent the last hour trying to stop myself from thinking about food. Sugar, it seems, resets my food gauge. I remember this used to happen to me during undergrad where I couldn't eat anything sweet for breakfast or I'd spend the rest of the day rabidly hungry. Now, it appears, sweet stuff seems to do that no matter what time of the day I eat it.

Strangely enough, natural sugars don't seem to matter. I eat a piece of fruit almost every afternoon without any repercussions. This is good since I am unsure if a fruit-less existence is worth my effort.
I guess the next step from here is going to be to figure out if eating the sugar with something else helps or not. Past run ins suggest that neither protein nor fat are going to help.

Blah blah blah and then some insight

Jess recently wrote about thinking a single nice thing about someone. This is something I've been trying to do myself but in a slightly altered way. I've been trying not to be judgmental about people I see around me. To be more exact, I've been trying not to judge people based on how they look by deciding who is 'too skinny' or 'overweight'. Its not acceptable to do something like that unless I'm okay with that being done to me (which I am not since, you know, you don't know me).

Yesterday was cold and windy so the gym was mostly empty. That meant that for my body sculpt class, the middle area, which is usually full, had spots available in front of the mirror. As a result, I got to work out with the added benefit of watching myself workout. This is something I have managed to successfully avoid for the past month and a half. Initially, I just wanted to spare myself that instant when you realize what you look like. It doesn't help that for some reason most of the people in these classes are really really slim (not unhealthy just naturally tiny). Compare and contrast at its best.

So I had to work out in front of the mirror. It wasn't bad and I caught myself thinking I don't absolutely hate the way I look. As in the past, I didn't spend my entire time avoiding looking into the mirror. Then I noticed that the girl next to. She was a little wider than I was but she had no tummy. Just amazingly flat abs. Unfortunately, the rest of the workout was then spent wondering why my abs are, shall we say, not flat?

So I'm going to try something new. Along with not judging people I see based on how they look, I am also going to try and be nicer to myself.